Cockage?

From the menu of one of the nicest restaurants in Hong Kong:

Token Pictures Of The City

Highlights Magazine Comes to Mind...

http://www.highlightskids.com/GamesandGiggles/HiddenPics/HIddenPixFlashObjects/h8hpiArchive.asp.

This was really a military demonstration to show the effectiveness of blue-camouflage relative pink bunny hats.

More New Posts On The Way

Til then...

Hey. I'm Going Here.

Good Music Wednesday

Braids - Glass Deers (Teen Daze Remix) by 1FTP

Good Music Wednesday

I like to think that Lupe's vision of the world there are as many seasons of the Boondocks as there are of the Simpsons. 

This Show Made My Day

Kumail Nanjiani is funny.

Oh to be a Kid Again...

Pictured here is Robert Gonzales Smith, a member of the Junior Police Department in Hong Kong. Their solgan is "the cutest lil crime fighters you'll ever meet." He works in the major crimes unit. Everyday Robert takes this water taxi from his home into the city on his way to work. He told me that he has seen a lot of things in his time on the force that have made him lose faith in the goodness of humanity, but there is one thing he still enjoys; "I love the quiet ride across the shimmering water. The smell of the sea, the cool air on my face. For these few minutes the world seems to melt around me, condensed down until there is nothing more then the waves made as the boat scoons across a sea of blue. But, as I look up at the city... my city, I remember. I remember the life I gave to this city. The sins I have committed in order to protect her. And then, that sea of blue changes. I see it filled with the tears of all the mothers whose sons will never come back home, their lives claimed by these streets. It's like drops of rain in a dirty puddle. And I realize that no matter how hard I try I will never be able to stem the inevitable tide of flith that floods into the once pure water of life. So you asked me 'why do I sit here staring out?', well I'll tell you; it is because this is the last thing I have that reminds me that there was once good in this world. This is the last glimpse of something real, of something true I have to hang onto, and I hold on tight because I am scared that if I look out one day and feel nothing, I will have fallen into the darkness... just another victim, claimed by the city. But I can't stop. I can't quit. This is my job... this is what I do. "

Monument to Laziness

I Travel to Great Places

And then I sit there looking like I don't care. Because life is only worth living if you are cool.

They Kept Yelling at Me that I Couldn't Take Pictures in Here

And I was like "Don't worry. It is a brand new camera. It works just fine." 

And just when it couldn't get cuter, they started their (clearly rehearsed) tap-dancing routine. And they had precious little puppy tears in their eyes as they did it.

But Seriously

There was something very fishy going on here....

Terrible. Absolutely terrible.

Fish Markets are Cool

They have that whole pet/ediable thing going for them. Petiable.

"Hey, James. What the hell is that?"

So glad you asked. That, my friend, is a photo. 

To be more specific, it is a photo I am gonna sell to Apple as a desktop background. 

*copyright pending

My Sister Came to Hong Kong

Mainly because she needed some new Facebook profile pics. 

Flower Market During Chinese New Years

This is where it happens. Seriously. This is the 50/50 club of flower markets.

This guy totally had bottle service.

And by that, I mean he had a bottle of water he was walking around with pouring on plants.

Oddly Specific Graphic

Alright Hong Kong, I'll make my bag lunch crouched behind a dog. But I won't hold my Capisun by the straw as your picture suggests. That would just be silly.

Dear Zach Shpizner,

It turns out that Yakult (that yogurt stuff you like) is actually named after Capt. Robert Yakult, a sailor who worked briefly for the Dutch East Indian Trading Company before discovering the fountain of youth (which turns out is kind of milky) and then bottling the youth water and selling it to the unwashed masses of the world. However, he later recounted on his death bed that he never really gave away the real water of the fountain of youth, but just a cheap imitation. With his last words he whispered that he buried the real water, along with an entire grocery store of food, somewhere near the South China Sea. He then proceed to die a horrible (and painfully longwinded) death of scurvy. I think this will all be covered in the next Pirates of the Carribean movie...

SuperBowl From HK Via the Past

I Would See an Entire Movie About Todd Barry's Character

By Popular Demand:

More music

HK is Boring, More Music

Fleet Foxes - Helplessness Blues by subpop

Ninja Ballerina in Chalk Room

Good music is kinda just a bonus on top of that.

Above This Poster Was The Heading: It Is Required By Law: All Citizens Must Take This Poster Seriously

These posters are all over the MTR (metro stations) of HK and they supposedly explain something about how to use the MTR. And by "supposedly" I mean that you would have to be complete idiot to not see the message here, but what is more important are the veiled but rich subtexts in the image. At first glance, it is clear that Smiley man in All*Star Low Tops is asking Hipster Hitler to give him the ginger child in exchange for some type of service provided by Smiley man's extremely awkwardly angled hand. Everyone is in agreement with the exchange and thus all parties involved are smiling. The poster is displayed around the MTR stations in order to express to the public that this is a safe place for such transactions to occur.

This being said, let's take a closer look at the anatomy of this poster in order to decipher the more intellectual subtexts. First, and most poignant is the the proximity of the characters in the poster to the tracks of the train. This seems to be a benign observation, however what is indicated by this proximity is actually what the picture lacks. A train at the station. Here there are happy pedestrians without any way to travel away from there current position and or towards any future. In October of 1922 in Italy, after the fascist "March on Rome", which resulted in King Vittorio Emanuele's appointment of Benito Mussolini as prime minister, Mussolini needed to convince the people of Italy that fascism was indeed a system that worked to the benefit of all. In a flurry of mass propaganda, the idea of fascist efficiency was borne to life, and at its center head was the powerfully proletariat symbol of the train. Mussolini spread word that the Italian railway system was the most dependable and punctual in all of Europe. Thus the phrase was born "In Mussolini's Italy, all the trains ran on time." Now, looking again at the picture, the significance of the young girl's red hair becomes apparent. The red color of her hair symbolizes communism. Here we see the youthful and educated (the books being held by the ginger) individual as a hopeful and vibrant representation of communist ideals that have growth and prosperity ahead of them. However, in reality the ginger child is being sheltered by Hipster Hitler (which is a thinly veiled representation of the pratfalls of both fascism and the coolness that comes from looking like you don't care) from the teasing that would normally be administered to a ginger child that loves reading. The transaction displayed in the poster is indicative of the transition of the communist ideology from that of a fascist mindset to a more morally indifferent, but happily individualistic (the nondescript smiley-face man)  stance of capitalism. Here there is no need for the train of fascism to run on time, because the need for self affirming propaganda has been replaced by the cycle of consumerism, in which the consumption of status products that serve more as an indication of individualism than as a functionary appliance (the All*Star Low Tops) takes precedent. However, capitalism will ultimately have to pay a price for its envelopment of the communist state. A price that will be dear indeed (the awkward angling of the hand).

Also, there is some guy in the background who looks like he is crying. I have no idea what is up with that.        


 

How to prepare...

 

Ok wait. You are moving a little to fast for me corn flakes box. First I hold the open end of the cereal box over the bowl right? But in the picture the bowl is already full of cereal. So first I need to find a bowl of cereal? Why wouldn't I just eat that cereal? And then whats this about a white carton of sorts? How much of this mystery liquid do I add! Then I pick up the cereal in the spoon... and then what? THEN WHAT?!?! This is worse then when the cable went out with 15 minutes left in the series finale of Reba! 

Light! Get Your Light Here!

Big balls of light! Give the dark the finger with your very own giant ball of light!

"Yes, I was looking to treat my son here and I was wondering if you had anything a bit more... blinding?"






*Limited time offer, buy two and get a rod of light for half off.

All I Can Think...

... is how terrible the air quality here must be.

In the Ping-Pong Game of Life

Point racism.

Notice how bored the guy doing the scores is... what's up with that? It is hard for me to imagine a world where I had seen enough competitive ping-pong that I was absolutely bored by it.

Things also took an abrupt turn for the worse as I started chanting "U.S.A.! U.S.A.!"

Top Albums of 2010

This has nothing to do with anything. I wrote it as a guest entry for another blog. Check out TheSSHH. Basically they're the best.

10. Gorillaz, The Plastic Beach

For a band that doesn’t exist outside of super-scary-in-a-rape-you-kinda-way-loony-toon-land, Gorillaz make really good music. Actually, they make good music in general, regardless of where they exist. The Plastic Beach handed down some unmistakable Gorillaz style sounds, along with enough artistic growth (and by that I mean some really confounding instrumental choices), that the album fell into that magical space of expected, yet enjoyably unpredictable. Like a Girls Gone Wild video. Except not a waste of money. And instead of being riddled with herpes, it was riddled with catchy melodies. Also Snoop Dog was in it.

9. The Black Keys, Brothers

This album is showing up in a lot of top albums of the year things. There is a reason for that. Mind control. Yup, that’s right, these guys rock so ridiculously hard that listening to them turns you into their mind slave puppet plaything. Now if you don’t mind I have to go buy 10 more copies and then make a solid gold monument to the almighty Dan Auerbach.

8. The National, High Violet

The National’s High Violet probably would have made it higher on my list except it followed their 2008, Boxer. Which is kinda like having to be the guy that follows Jesus in a magic show. Even if your name is Criss Angel (Mindfreak), you are pretty boned. Which is how I felt about this album. Still really amazing, just in the shadow of its predecessor. And yes I did just liken Criss Angel (Mindfreak) to the next messiah.

7. Hoodie Allen, Pep Rally

With a name like Hoodie Allen, you might think that this white rapper is just more sophomoric clichéd adolescent jibber-jabber. But you know what? Fuck you. This Mixtape/LP was incredible. If they gave a Grammy for best use of indie samples in rap songs I would totally bitch about how Lupe Fiasco’s use of Modest Mouse was bullcrap and Hoodie Allen should of won. Also the album was free for listening on them there internets. Like, legally.   

6. Kid Cudi, Man on the Moon II

As a college student am contractually obligated to love everything Kid Cudi does. I am pretty sure that was in my acceptance letter, along with something about using French politics to make myself feel special better never actually doing anything, and always talking about how great the show Community is. Good stuff Cudder.    

5. The Arcade Fire, The Suburbs

I don’t really care about all this post-post-indie hype about this album. Or the big band indie music versus the small band indie music argument. It is just always nice to have albums that can be listened to all the way through. Which this album has become for me, but it wasn’t that way at first though. When I first heard The Suburbs I was disappointed because I wanted a more mainstream sound and feel. But the more I listened to it the more I understood the subtly of its musicological reasoning. I felt like I was a jury member, and The Arcade Fire was Jack McCoy, and this album was his final speech at the end of an episode of Law and Order. Final verdict: One count of touching my ears in ways they haven’t ever been touched before, in the first degree.

4. Pretty Lights, Making Up a Changing Mind

Remember RJD2 like 10 years ago? Remember DJ Shadow like 10 years before that? Consider Pretty Lights the next in this branch on the linage of awesomeness. He is pretty clearly the grandson who has inherited all of the talent in the family and made all of his siblings jealous. Pretty Lights released three albums online for free. I think that Making Up a Changing Mind was the best, but honestly they were all great. You really can’t beat those trumpet samples. I’m looking at you “I can see it in your face.” 

3. Beach House, Teen Dreams

Hey lead singer of Beach House, I am not really ever sure what you are saying. But please, by all means, keep saying it. Also are you man or a woman? What’s that? Oh. You’re an angel you say? I guess that makes sense. What’s that now? You say that you have come here to deliver me from crappy indie albums that have one-hit wonders on them? And to break open the seventh seal, you say? God’s vengeance, you say? Neon Trees, you say? Oh, dear, dear, dear.

2. Macklemore, Everything he did this year

My oh my, it has been a good year for Macklemore. (See what I did there?) Pre-2010 I was a fan, but now I am a devote follower. I went from music equivalent of a casual catholic to the music equivalent of that lady in Jesus Camp. Macklemore is truth. His diversity of sound, excellent samples, use of instrumentals, all with great lyrics that have range and meaning. Bonus: He played baseball with Danny. Double Bonus: At all times more trumpet.

1. Childish Gambino, I Am Just a Rapper Mixtapes and Culdisac

He’s Donald Glover. The black guy on Community. He raps. And I hope to God this is the direction rap is headed. He did two mixtapes of rapping over indie songs I like. By far he is the most played new artist on my ipod. Listen to him. Seriously. I don’t have anything clever to say about it. Just listen to him. Everyone listen to him. Do it.

I Stumbled into the Set of Jurassic Park 4

The crazy part is the goats they have chained up everywhere.

Grocery Shopping for Hipsters (Now Available in 2 Languages)

I forgot to select English Subtitles on the Vitamin Water...

Pizza Hut in HK Really Stepping Up Its Game

It had Bruchetta. And mocktails.  

Black Rainstorm?

I touched down in HK earlier this week and I have to say that the biggest cultural barrier that keeps cropping up is the term black rainstorm. Sure, I could just google it, but that would ruin my constant childlike amusement at not knowing what it is, like when I thought Time Square was a cube that when activated using a secret code allowed the holder to travel through time solving awesome mysteries with a wise-cracking robot, and... I dunno... like, an ancient mystic talking snow monkey that gives semi-crazy-semi-sage-like advice to you? Yeah that will get a pilot. But imagine my disappointment when I found out that it was just a giant intersection that had a ginormous Hersey Candy Store, and a Toys R Us with Ferris wheel inside it. (Zero. The amount of disappointment I had was zero.)

I have now been told on six separate occasions that in case of a black rainstorm or type 8 typhoon I should run to the nearest shelter, contact a priest, and finalize my living will. Something like that. But this raises further questions for me. Like what is a type 8 typhoon? Why type 8? If type 1 through 7 show up I should just be like "Hmm...,"shrug it off and carry on with my day? Why not just start the typhoon rating system at 8? Make 8 the new 1 and then call everything else a light shower. These... these are the questions.

But back to the black rainstorm. With the name as my only indicator, I would guess that some awesome dark wizardish like character totally horcruxed the weather and then was all like "screw this noise" and shed his mortal body to live as pure magical villainy in cloud form. Hmmm... that sounded cooler in my head. Maybe, it is like the last weather related remnant of the storm that Noah built his arc for, and it comes back every now and again to remind us to shine our shoes and be good people. Or maybe it is when shop owners coordinate there biggest sales of the year (giving discounts of up to 80% off*) with an epic rainstorm, as a monument to consumerism and as a test to separate the wannabe value-shoppers from the true frugal-istas. Like Mewtwo did in the first pokemon movie. Or it could be something racist.

*select sale items only